he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
