Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
