i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
