Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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