yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
