i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
