im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
