I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize