I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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