About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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