Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
