I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
