woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
