Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize