need another drink. this is the easiest way
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
