the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
