if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
