So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize