i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
