Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
