Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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