Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
