peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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