dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
