One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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