i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
please come you make the beer taste better
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
