and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
