I skipped work to stalk him.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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