Nicole vs. Life
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
