I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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