i just wanna soil my oats bro
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
