so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize