shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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