he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
