all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
