Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
