i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize