New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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