I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just cropdusted the office
They should really pass out barf bags in church
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
