I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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