Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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