when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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