The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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