I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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