So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
