guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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