I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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