Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
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