it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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