Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
