The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
