Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
