Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
