My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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