Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
