I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
