i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize