I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
