I wish life had little blips of pornography
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
